by David | May 16, 2026 | Blog, Information Technology
Reading Time: 5 minutes
Working Within the System: Notes from a Sysadmin
I’ve been doing this work long enough to watch the same pattern play out over and over. An admin gets handed a problem, sees a cleaner way to solve it, and instead of working the problem inside the structure they were hired into, they go around it. Sometimes that means downloading a tool the company hasn’t vetted, or it means buying a license on a personal card and expensing it later. Sometimes, in the worst cases I’ve seen, it means using the helpdesk team as leverage against management or escalating to outside lawyers to force a policy change.
I want to talk about why that approach is wrong most of the time, when it might be right, and what working inside the system actually looks like day to day.
The job, as I understand it
Our role as system admins is to support the company and grow it. That’s the whole thing. We aren’t here to force the company to our will. We’re here to make the tools work, keep the lights on, and give end users a stable place to do their jobs. When we forget that, the work goes sideways fast.
I see new admins get this backward all the time. They come in with strong opinions about how things should be configured, what the right MDM is, which ticketing system is correct, and they start treating disagreement with management as a problem to route around. It isn’t. Disagreement is normal. The question is what you do with it.
Making changes inside the structure
Most of the meaningful improvements I’ve made for end users happened inside Intune, inside Group Policy, inside the existing licensing. Not by bringing in something new.
Example. A few months back the helpdesk was drowning in BitLocker recovery tickets because users were getting prompted after firmware updates and nobody had documented the recovery key location for them. I didn’t need a new tool. I needed an Intune configuration profile that pinned the recovery key to a self-service portal the user already had access to, and a one-page doc the helpdesk could send. Ticket volume on that issue dropped by about 80% in two weeks. Management was happy. The helpdesk was happy. I didn’t have to fight anyone.
Another one. Printer deployment was a mess. Users were calling in to get drivers installed every time they moved desks. Instead of pitching a third-party print management product (which is what the previous admin had been pushing for, unsuccessfully, for a year), I built out Universal Print through the existing M365 licensing the company already paid for. It wasn’t perfect. It had some quirks. But it was inside what we already owned, so the approval conversation was short.
The pattern is the same in both cases. Find the pain point. Look at what you already have. Configure your way out of the problem before you try to buy your way out. When you do have to buy something, you’ve already shown management you exhaust the existing options first, which makes the next ask credible.
When management gives you a bad instruction
This is the part most admins get wrong, and I’ve gotten it wrong myself more than once.
Sometimes you get an instruction that’s going to cause harm. Maybe it’s a policy that’s going to flood the helpdesk with tickets they can’t resolve, or it’s a security setting that’s going to lock out a department that needs the access. Maybe it’s a rollout timeline that’s not survivable.
The wrong move is to weaponize the helpdesk. I’ve seen admins quietly tell their team to “just follow the policy and let the tickets pile up so management sees the impact.” That’s using your own people as pawns. They get the angry phone calls, they take the heat, and you get to say I told you so at the next staff meeting. It’s cowardly and it damages the team’s trust in you, which you can’t easily get back.
The right move, in my experience, is to push back through the channels the company gives you.
- Bring it to management directly, in writing if you can. Lay out the technical reasoning, the expected impact on the helpdesk, and what you’d recommend instead.
- If management chooses to continue, ask whether you can take it up the line. Most companies have an escalation path, even if it’s informal. Use it.
- If the company doesn’t allow further escalation, or the answer comes back the same, then you implement the instruction.
That last step is the one people choke on. But here’s the thing. If you’ve done steps 1 and 2 honestly, and management has made the call with full information, your job is to execute. You don’t get to overrule the company because you think you know better. That’s not what the role is.
Minimize harm, plan for the recovery
If you do end up implementing something you flagged as harmful, that doesn’t mean you implement it dumbly. You minimize the blast radius, phase the rollout and pre-stage your rollback. You write the helpdesk a runbook before the tickets start coming in, not after.
And you have a backup plan ready for when the issue surfaces. Because it will. And when it does, the person who said here’s what we tried, here’s what happened, here’s how we fix it now is in a very different position than the person who said I told you so. The first one gets trusted with bigger problems. The second one gets quietly worked around.
I’m not saying document everything to cover yourself, exactly. I mean, do that too. But the real reason to document the pushback and the plan is so that when the company is ready to course-correct, you’re the one ready to drive it.
The line
There’s a line, and I want to be clear about where I think it sits.
If you’re being asked to do something illegal, something that violates compliance in a way that puts the company or its customers at real risk, something that’s clearly unethical, you don’t quietly implement it and plan the recovery. You refuse, you document the refusal, and you escalate to legal, compliance, or HR. If those paths don’t exist or are compromised, then yes, external options become real. Whistleblowing exists for a reason. So do regulatory bodies.
But that’s the extreme case. I’ve seen admins reach for outside legal action because management wouldn’t approve a tool they wanted, or because a coworker got a promotion they thought they deserved. That isn’t the line. That’s using legal leverage as a weapon to force the company to do what you want, which is the same failure mode as using the helpdesk as pawns, just with bigger stakes.
The line isn’t I disagree with this decision. The line is this decision causes harm that the company itself, fully informed, would not sanction. Those are very different bars.
What bad actors look like
I want to flag this because I’ve watched it happen. There are people in this field who enjoy the leverage the role gives them, and they look for engineers they can use to do harm to a company they’re frustrated with. They’ll frame sabotage as principled resistance. They’ll talk about “making management feel it” or “letting things break so they learn.” Finally, they will pitch you on going around the structure because the structure isn’t fair.
Some of that frustration is legitimate. Companies do treat IT badly sometimes. Management does make decisions without input that should have been gathered. None of that justifies using your access to cause harm, and none of it justifies pulling your team into a fight they didn’t sign up for.
If someone is pushing you in that direction, they aren’t an ally. They’re a liability, and probably a future legal problem.
The boring conclusion
Most of the time, the job is patient. You configure what you can configure. Ask for what you need to ask for. You document the things you disagreed with so they’re available later when the conversation comes back around. You support the company you work for, even on days when you’d rather not.
It isn’t dramatic. It doesn’t make for good war stories. But over a career, the admins I’ve watched do this consistently are the ones who end up with the authority to actually change things. The ones who tried to force it usually ended up somewhere else, telling a different story about why their last company didn’t appreciate them.
by David | Feb 26, 2024 | Blog, Help Desk, Information Technology, Lessons
Reading Time: 2 minutes
In the intricate ecosystem of IT support, the quality of communication in ticket submissions can significantly influence the efficiency of problem resolution. Imagine walking into a dense forest, each tree representing a different issue or ticket awaiting resolution. Just as a seasoned guide can navigate these woods with ease, providing clear paths and descriptions, a Subject Matter Expert (SME) in IT can illuminate the way to swift solutions with well-crafted tickets.
The Spectrum of Ticket Details
Venture into the thicket of daily IT support tickets, and you’ll encounter a wide array of communication styles. On one end, there are tickets like faint, barely noticeable trails – vague, minimal details offered by users unsure of what information is pertinent. Bob from manufacturing, for example, might simply state, “My computer won’t turn on,” leaving the path to resolution obscured by underbrush.
Contrastingly, tickets from more technically adept users, like Jan from accounting, are akin to well-trodden paths through the forest, marked by signs and clear directions. Jan not only mentions reinserting cables and attempting to power on her computer but also notes the absence of the usual boot-up text, laying breadcrumbs for IT support to follow towards a solution.
Cafting a Map to Resolution
Subject Matter Experts (SMEs) stand as the rangers of this forest, armed with the knowledge and tools to guide others through even the densest undergrowth. Here’s how they can effectively chart the course:
- Know Your Audience: Just as a ranger alters their guidance based on the experience of the hikers, SMEs should tailor their ticket submissions to the technical level of the IT support team. This ensures that the instructions are neither too complex for general support staff nor too simplistic for specialists.
- Use a Structured Format: A structured ticket is like a map, offering a clear overview of the terrain at a glance. By organizing the issue, steps taken, and potential solutions logically, SMEs create a guide that others can follow easily, avoiding unnecessary detours.
- Prioritize Clarity and Brevity: In the dense forest of IT issues, clarity acts as a beacon, guiding the support team directly to the heart of the problem. SMEs should aim to illuminate the path with precise, concise language, ensuring no one gets lost in unnecessary details.
- Offer Potential Solutions: Suggesting solutions or workarounds is akin to marking potential paths on a map. While not all may lead directly to the destination, they provide starting points, accelerating the journey towards resolution.
- Include Visuals When Necessary: Sometimes, the most effective way to describe a landscape is through visuals. Diagrams, screenshots, and videos can serve as snapshots of the issue, offering immediate context and understanding.
- Encourage Open Communication: Ending a ticket with an invitation for questions is like leaving a trail of markers for others to follow, ensuring that if the path becomes unclear, further guidance is just a call away.
Navigating the Forest Together
In the realm of IT, “Subject Matter Expert Tickets” are more than just requests for assistance; they’re opportunities for SMEs to lead by example, demonstrating how detailed, well-structured communication can streamline the resolution process. It’s about creating a collaborative environment where every ticket, like a trail in the forest, is clearly marked and navigable, leading to a more efficient, effective IT support system.
By adopting these strategies, SMEs not only enhance their own credibility but also contribute to a culture of clarity and cooperation, ensuring that the vast forest of IT support is a little easier for everyone to navigate.
by David | Nov 25, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health
Reading Time: 2 minutes
Ever considered that we are, in essence, hardware? This realization hit me like a bolt of lightning. It triggered a fascinating analogy between our brains and computer systems, especially for someone deeply entrenched in Information Technology.
The Structure of the Brain: A Hardware Blueprint
Now, Imagine your hands as the keyboard and mouse. A sophisticated gaming tool with preprogrammed keys and buttons capable of intricate functions. As you type, data travels up to the PCI bus, akin to the nervous system transmitting electrical impulses between your computer and peripherals. If you disconnect the cable, and the keyboard becomes useless—much like losing the function of a hand.
Next, let’s delve into the brain’s components. First up:
Cerebellum: The Basic Processor
Much like a computer’s front side bus, the cerebellum, often referred to as the lizard or reptilian brain, handles basic input and output functions. Think of it as the system responsible for making quick decisions without conscious thought, such as pulling your hand away from a hot stove. This exemplifies the hardware-like nature of our actions.
Limbic System: The Emotional Hub
Next, data ascends to the processor for logical structuring. However, it first must go through the limbic system of our brain. In our brain, the limbic system plays this role. Here, this emotional control center processes signals from the cerebellum, turning physical sensations into emotions. The pain from touching a hot stove transforms into sadness, anger, or other emotional responses. Memories, too, find their home in various parts of the brain, adding layers to our emotional experiences.
Frontal Lobes: The Logical Processor
The thought process then reaches the frontal lobes, the brain’s logical processor. Here, cognitive processing occurs, and the prefrontal lobes manage movements and other functions. In our scenario, the prefrontal lobes analyze the pain signal, deducing that touching the hot stove hurts and should be avoided. The processed information then relays back to the limbic system, creating a memorable, emotionally charged experience.
A Unique Feature: The Limbic System
One fascinating aspect of our brain is the centrality of the limbic system. Almost all thoughts pass through this emotional control center, which also crucially contributes to memory formation. The unique feature lies in the fact that the limbic system doesn’t judge the emotions it sends; we, as individuals, impose the judgment. It’s a reminder that these signals are just that—signals.
The Enigma of the Brain
While we marvel at the complexity of our brain, acknowledging it as a magical place, there’s still much we don’t fully understand. In recent decades, groundbreaking research into the electrical signals of the brain has revealed astonishing findings.
The Human Brain—A Symphony of Signals
In our journey through this intricate system, we glimpse the harmony of hardware and emotion, a dance of impulses and reactions that shape our human experience. As we continue to unlock the mysteries of the brain, the intersection of Information Technology and mental health reveals itself as a realm of endless possibilities.
Continued Reading
by David | Aug 7, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health
Reading Time: 6 minutes
Recently I have had to come to a new level of understanding about myself. For years I have been attracted to the potential of others. I have picked my closest friends through this viewpoint; it worked for many years. However, as we get older, things change, and people change. This view of the world no longer works. Instead, it flipped and it led to more pain than good. I wanted to break down what I call Potential Trauma Lensing for yall and maybe it will help shine a light on some of the darker places and bring understanding.
Trauma Lensing
As a child, I was sexually abused by a babysitter and other family members. My parents didn’t know how to handle such a thing and thus, I was often beaten. I will admit, I wasn’t an easy child to raise. I grew up with extreme ADHD and I was one of four. One of my survival skills during this time was to see the good more than the bad.
I choose to see my mom as a loving and caring person, which was only part of the truth at the time. The truth was, she was scared. She was hurting, angry, and oftentimes felt like she was a failure. She was also physically abusive. The lens I choose to see her through my whole life was that of a caring and loving mother. It wasn’t until after she died did I see the full picture. Let me give you an example.
When we were younger, my mother use to take her thumbnail and grab the soft tissue part of our ears and drive us to the ground. It was very painful. While doing this to my brother one day, he decided to fight back. He had it. He broke free from her grip. While doing so, he hit her. As a child, I jumped to protect my mom. Which kid wouldn’t want to protect their mom? A few minutes later, she did the same thing to me for jumping in.
I choose only to see the good in my mom. I choose to “forget” what she did to us. This helped me survive as a child. I call this Potential Trauma Lensing.
Effects of Potential Trauma Lensing
This lensing forces us to see the “Shiny” inside someone. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it will come to bite us in the long run. Often times I hear people bash the homeless, and I stop them pointing out the life of the homeless. There is a reason they are in the spot they are in and not all of them are bad. This gives many of the homeless I encounter a sense of being seen and human. Seeing the “shiny” in someone has brung about great healing in others. However, only seeing the shiny isn’t true and has led me down some hurtful roads. We can see what’s there, but we can’t make what’s their reality. The next story of a close friend in my life is how this Potential Trauma Lensing affected my life.
A close friend
I grew up with two extremely close friends. For the sake of privacy, I will call them Bob and Rob. I met Bob at school. When I met Bob, we both didn’t have any expectations of each other. We didn’t choose to see only good or bad. We saw each other as each other. Bob and I are still good friends and I often miss talking to him. While Rob on the other hand was another kid in the neighborhood. Growing up, we didn’t really have expectations of each other. I saw him as a fun kid to play with. We played all kinds of imaginary worlds. I was able to be the kid I wasn’t allowed to be around him.
As we grew up, he started going down different paths. Even though I saw warning signs, I choose to still see him as the friend I could be the kid I wasn’t allowed to be. As I went to college, and he started his college life, we drifted apart more and more. I was always there to help. I always choose to see the good in him and he in me. This was the Potential Trauma Lensing at play. After his first marriage failed due to abuse, He changed. I continued looking for the good in people, while he started seeing the darker sides of people.
Married Life
After I married, my wife and I moved 2 hours away. I lived in some rough conditions. He imposed aspects of his failed marriage onto my marriage. He saw my wife as an abuser and often talked bad about her and my living conditions. I, however, choose to see the good in each situation. When I should have been seeing the truth. It was hell with some good things. When we moved back to my hometown, things got better between us. It was nice for a while. We often played games and had game nights. Keeping true to our child-like states. He was there for my kids’ births and I was there for his kids’ birth. It was nice. I choose to keep seeing that side of our relationship.
The downfall
After my parents died, my view of the world was destroyed. No longer could I see my life growing up as fluffy and happy. The clouds I grew up with turned into the truth and it didn’t turn into truth that made sense. Complex PTSD showed its ugly head and it was ugly. The good fun part of me died. At this point in my life, I was just trying to survive. Instead of seeing the truth, I was suffering, He choose to look through the potential lensing like I was with him. However, the realisim was there. He was stuck between the two. I needed him to be the fun friend. I needed him to be my supporting friend. That wasn’t how he was.
The Potential Trauma Lensing
I choose to keep seeing him as a supportive friend. He chooses to still keep seeing me as his childhood friend. We both had the same lensing going on. He went as far as to take me to a mountaintop and threaten to leave me there if I didn’t wake up. He didn’t because of a storm. After being clean for a month of my addiction, We hung out, I was so excited I allowed my addiction to control the interaction. It was my fault. I longed for him to stop me, but he did not.
He moved away for work. I choose to still see him in the light of a good supportive friend instead of seeing that our relationship was split apart. During our time apart I learned to draw boundaries on myself. A while ago, he stated he was coming into town and wanted to grab lunch. I was excited, but I also drew a boundary, mainly on myself asking him to call me out.
The day before the meetup, I messaged him to confirm and He stated he was canceling. He later told me that he “didn’t want me to relapse”. Which was a lie. That’s when the lensing broke and I was able to see things as truth. We were at two different points in our lives. He couldn’t be a supportive friend because He was still stuck in the hurt of a past relationship. I couldn’t be the fun friend because I was trying to rebuild my inner child.
Holding onto Potentials
When you hold onto the “Shiny” aspect of people, we fail to see the consistency when they show us they are not that shiny. They are not the potential that we need from them. As you can see in the story, we both hurt each other over and over again. He took me to a mountain top with full intention of leaving me there. I choose to see the good in him. I held on tight to that view and he did with me.
What are you holding onto in people?
Breaking The lensing
Accepting Reality
The first step in breaking free of Potential Trauma Lensing is accepting reality as it is. When someone repeatedly shows us who they are, we should trust and believe them. We shouldn’t constantly try to see them in another light. It’s up to us to accept this reality. It’s a painful thing. The thing about this though, this new reality, might just be temporary. I may rebuild my inner child and be child-like again. I may become what he needs, and he may become what I need. We may become close friends again. However, at this moment, we are not. I have accepted this reality. I’m tired of hurting myself by rejecting this reality.
Self-Focus and Growth
Instead of using all that energy on someone else. I have chosen to invest in myself. At the core of the issue, we as humans want validation. That validation should come from within. At the end of the day, all we have is ourselves. If we are unable to be with ourselves, then how can we be with others? So, let’s take the energy we are placing towards our expectations, and put it back into ourselves. Let go of the self-inflected hurts and move forward. We need to accept that people change.
Acceptance and Moving Forward
Instead of trying to make people in our own minds into something they are not, we should accept them as they are. Our mental well-being begs for this. Once we embrace this reality, this world as it is, and not how we would have it, there is a sense of peace. This means taking off those trauma glasses. It’s ok to be hurt by others. It’s not ok to keep looking at the world through that lens.
Accepting the world as it is is hard, but worth it in the long run. As always, Please seek professional help if you need it. The Trauma Lenses can be glued to our faces. A well-trained trauma therapist can help take those glasses off.
You got this.
Additional resources
by David | Jul 10, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health
Reading Time: 7 minutes
That’s right, you Don’t Need Superpowers. Today I bring you a blog post near and dear to my heart. I grew up reading DC and Marvel comic books. Watching Superhero tv shows and movies. The idea that someone could fly, and run faster than a speeding bullet was amazing. I personally loved how Batman was human, but he was able to beat even the biggest and most powerful villain. Every one of these characters had one thing in common. They were more than human. More than me.
I grew up in an environment that told me I could never measure up. My parents trained me on how to fail standardized testing. I also experienced a lot of physical abuse growing up. At an early age, I was told that Creator God, the most powerful being in all existence, hated me from birth because of what someone else did and that I would suffer in extreme pain forever. I believed this for most of my life. Only more recently did I learn, You Don’t Need Superpowers.
Shame
At the core of my upbringing, I was taught my parent’s shame cycles. I believed that I was less than and I needed to work to be more. I was raised in the upper-lower class. In school, I was taught that hard work made good things happen to you. The harder you worked, the better your life would be. I was also taught in school that I was dumber than others. This created a lot of Shame inside of me. It was painful to look in the mirror.
The Split
What do you do when you look in the mirror and see a monster? Let’s rephrase the question. What do you do when you are walking down the street and you see a crazed gunman shooting at people? I personally would run away and get help. I know my limits. So, when you see yourself in the mirror and see a monster, most people run. How do you run away from yourself tho?
This is where the split comes into play. It’s easier to create an object and live with that than to live with the monster. It would be easier to have the crazed gunman as a statue in your living room instead of having the gunman in your house shooting it up. This is the same way we treat ourselves. This could look different from person to person.
This split creates an alienation inside yourself. Let’s take a look at Frank’s life for a second. Frank grew up in a very traditional home. Showing any form of extreme emotions was frowned upon. As a man, Frank was to be in complete control of his emotions at all times like his father and grandfather. If he received punishment, if he expressed any emotions, the punishments would last longer. Fast forward a few decades. Frank is now a dad of 3 girls. Every time his girls express emotions, Frank immediately feels out of place. He starts to feel two ways, his daughters are broken and he was broken for feeling like this. This part of him is alienated from himself. He projects this part of himself in every relationship He is in.
Greater Than Vs Less Than
These exposures to our ugly statues; our shamed self is painful. There are many things people do to escape this hurt. In the end, this statue of self is either less than or more than human. Here are some examples of less than:
- A slob
- Family Scapegoat
- Alcoholic
Here are some examples of more than:
- Perfectionist
- Family Hero
- Celibate false man of God
As time moves on, these lies become truths in people’s lives. I believed the lies and became both the family scapegoat and the family hero. The less than makes me wormlike while the greater than disables my will, or grandiosity, bigger than life. This is where the need for superpowers comes into play.
Why did I want superpowers?
Looking back at my childhood, I can see why I was drawn to comic books. I was taught I was born less than everyone else. I believed I had to work hard for anyone to even notice me. As the middle boy, this was partially true. If I had superpowers people would notice me. In the comics, people would look up at Superman as he flew over. All eyes were on his greatness, not his weakness. Only the bad guys saw Superman’s weakness to Kryptonite. I wanted that power. The power for people to notice greatness beyond any other human standards. I knew I couldn’t be Superman, but that didn’t stop me from trying.
The will wills what can’t be willed.Healing the shame that binds you - John Bradshaw
I am a product of this will wanting to will what cant be will and an idea of being wormlike or less than. The feeling of being wormlike was always painful and I wanted to escape at all costs. I studied magic, body language, emotional intelligence, and more. If I could see the bad coming, I would be able to handle it. I didn’t have to fear the boot of people stepping on me like a warm.
This concept bled into my work life. I would work extra hard without breaks and go much longer than others. I was called upon to complete work others would never do, couldn’t do, or will not do. A backup battery landed on my leg at my first IT job damaging my back. I didn’t take care of my back, and now I suffer. I had to prove my worth more than taking care of myself.
Why You Don’t Need Superpowers
Our Culture tells us, to work harder and get more rewards. This culture tells us we are bad (ineffective) if we don’t perform at our peak potential at all times. This concept repeats itself from generation to generation. The need to control has been present since the dawn of man. The act of using shame to control others is nothing new. This need to control is, in of itself, a form of shame.
You are Human
The truth is You Are Human. You have limits. Being human means, you have limits. Over the years, Superman went from jumping tall buildings to flying. He struggled with electricity. He also struggled with limits that were realistic. As the character developed, the need to be more and more grew. This was people’s need to feel like they were more than their limits. To make Superman more relatable, DC comics gave him a weakness of kryptonite. They gave him a limit because he reached a point where he was no longer relatable.
Don’t be Superman
See, we are not Superman, and let’s face it, we will never be. That’s a beautiful thing. Think about life being perfect and all-powerful, that would be boring. There is a real need for community. This need is because we all have different limits and skills. It’s beautiful and OK. I have no hands-on skills when it comes to doing any kind of repair work in my house. However, I am good with technology. I can sit here and tell myself, I am weak for not being able to patch the hole in my ceiling by myself, or I can speak with friends and family who can. By asking for help, I show my strength of being human. Its OK.
I recently heard an analogy about if everyone dug a ditch together for water in the same space, all we would have is a big hole and lots of hurt feelings. However, if everyone dug in their respective spaces, we would have a ditch big enough for water to flow.
Culture
Our culture tells us to run on all cylinders. Learn everything that ever was and even more. The thing about these concepts is they are impossible. These things are not human. Like myself, I hurt my back by picking up a heavy backup battery. I was trying to be more than my limits because that is what I believed I should be.
A young man recently told me he was struggling to learn every programming language for a potential programming job. It takes time to learn a language. It’s impossible to learn them all. This is what he was trying to do. He was led to believe, the more programming languages he knew, the more jobs he will get. Of course, this is a lie. The truth is, the more programming languages you learn well, opens more doors. The key is well. It’s impossible to learn all programming languages, so how would you learn them well?
It’s ok not to know everything. That’s simply impossible. It’s ok to take breaks and not push at 100% at all times. That’s how burnout happens. Did you know that the majority of millennials are burned out? Suicide rates have greatly increased in the past 20 years. Mental health issues keep climbing. A large percentage of Americans are on anti-depressants. All of this is because culture teaches us we have to be more than human or we are trash.
Breaking Free
Know yourself
How do we break free? The first step would be to realize you have a limit. Discover what those limits are. If you can’t seem to study for 7 hours at a clip, then don’t. Find a healthy threshold and do that. Respect your limits. There is nothing wrong with them.
Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.Aristotle
Boundaries
The next step is to set boundaries for yourself and others. I grew up believing that if you had boundaries, you didn’t love anyone. This translated to being a bad person. It wasn’t until later did I realize this was a lie to control me. Think of boundaries like doors. Do you want strangers in your home when you are not there? I don’t. The door is a boundary. The lock is you inforcing that boundary. The door is a good way to keep danger at bay. So are boundaries you set in your life.
Ever had a job that worked you 60 hours a week, but only paid for 40? That’s a boundary problem. This behavior is a refusal to respect you. At a previous job, I was expected to take on all the coding, the helpdesk, and projects all at the same time without the access needed to complete these tasks. I often found myself working 60 hours because I didn’t respect my time or my family. My boundaries were weak.
Breaking the statues
Those statues you have all over the place. Aspects you have frozen and beaten down over the years. Those aspects of yourself live inside those statues. You didn’t kill them. They are still there. It’s time to smash those statues and let those parts of you out. See them, address them, know them. Find why you feel like a bad person for getting angry. Discover why you feel less than when you don’t know something you shouldn’t know. Bring those parts back into yourself so you can be whole. This is the hardest part as there are so many of them. Free your gargoyles by shining love and care on them. I suggest a licensed therapist for this process. However, Don’t go gargoyle smashing alone.
Basic Maintenance
In the book, boundaries for your soul, the author speaks about what is healthy and not. She points out that when exploring yourself, if you feel toxic shame, then it’s time to address that part of yourself. This is a lifelong process. The culture we live in encourages us to make statues instead of breaking them. When I catch myself fantasizing about superpowers, I remind myself, You Don’t Need Superpowers. Then I review the day to see where the stressor came from. In the book Indistractable, Nir teaches that every distraction happens because of a trigger. Grabbing your phone could be triggered by boredom and so on and so forth. Find the shame signal and break yet another statue.
You are human, and that is Good.
Additional Readings
Please note, I am not a therapist. I have just lived through a lot in my life and want to share my experiences and knowledge. if you experience any issues while reading this blog, please speak to a licensed therapist.
by David | Jun 19, 2023 | Mental Health
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Do you struggle with any kind of addiction? Well, I should say, what is your addiction? Everyone has one. Each addiction is held to society’s standards which they live in. For example, here in America, overworking is praised while in other mature countries, it’s looked down upon as it makes you unproductive. Some addictions are needed parts of life. Like food. Sobriety isn’t starving yourself to death. So, how do you define Sobriety in human needs addiction? We follow an acronym “S.A.F.E.S.”
Secret, Abusive, Feelings, and Empty
S.ecret
Is it a secret? So, are you in the closet eating a doughnut? Are you hiding your financials from your SO because you are spending that money on sketchy massage places? How about other things? How about eating out to hide those emotions? If you can’t tell your SO, accountability partners, etc… It might be a good idea to leave it alone. I know it’s a hard concept because it’s simple.
A.busive
This one is really important. Is it abusive? Is the intent of eating xyz to damage you? To feed some core emotion? Is your long showers really good for you? How about buying that on amazon? Drinking that drink? How is it abusive to yourself? At first it’s hard to see if something is abusive to yourself. So, it’s important to look at your behavior in your addiction to see if it is. Sometimes we will take naturally happening items and say its abusive. For example, when a guy sees a woman and thinks she is attractive and focuses on what he sees as attractive. This is natural. Men are designed to see sexual compatibility. Now, if he takes it to the next level and starts the chase while being married, that is more abusive. At the end of that road is just pain and loneliness.
Another example would be politics. I spoke with a young lady who didn’t know if playing a black character in a game was racist. She spent hours and ended up crying in a corner. This is self-abuse. This was not a safe line of thinking for her. Abuse can come in many forms and each addiction has it’s own structure.
F.eelings
Feelings and abusive oftentimes go hand in hand. For example, when I am depressed, I will go out and eat. This is abusive to my finances and my body. However, it helps the depressive state I am feeling. Instead of addressing the feelings, I am masking my feelings. I have seen people drugs, sex, alcohol, and more. If you find yourself wanting to hide away from what you are feeling, what you are doing might not be safe. It’s always better to address the feelings instead of masking them. A bandaid can’t fix a broken arm.
E.mpty
Masking your feelings will leave you empty. If you start feeling emptiness and or loneliness, it’s time to pull back and ask yourself if what you are doing is part of S.A.F.E.S. or not. That loneliness will eat you alive and leave you in a space where you can’t see yourself anymore. Over time, you can start seeing additional issues crop up to hide the issues that you are using to mask. That emptiness is destructive.
S.hame
I have added Shame to Overeater’s anonymous. Shame can come in healthy and toxic forms. If you are feeling a sense of worthlessness, self-hate and more. It’s time to run. Run as fast as you can. Call your accountability partner. Call upon your higher power. Do something. you are not what your mind is telling you at this point. You have entered the results of the unsafe cycle. What you are doing or going to do will bring you down and more than likely lead to a full relapse.
S.A.F.E.S.
Just imagine a safe and each action you take should go through that safe. If you have more than one issue, like myself, it’s best to have a few of these safes. Don’t let the secret control what you do. Avoid self-abuse. It’s not ok to mask the emotions for too long as it brings emptiness and breath toxic shame into your life. Keep a sticky note with “S.A.F.E.S.” in your car, on the monitor of your computer. The refrigerator at the house. The candy jar, and any other place that you might find yourself doing actions outside of the safes.
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