by David | Nov 25, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health
Ever considered that we are, in essence, hardware? This realization hit me like a bolt of lightning. It triggered a fascinating analogy between our brains and computer systems, especially for someone deeply entrenched in Information Technology.
The Structure of the Brain: A Hardware Blueprint
Now, Imagine your hands as the keyboard and mouse. A sophisticated gaming tool with preprogrammed keys and buttons capable of intricate functions. As you type, data travels up to the PCI bus, akin to the nervous system transmitting electrical impulses between your computer and peripherals. If you disconnect the cable, and the keyboard becomes useless—much like losing the function of a hand.
Next, let’s delve into the brain’s components. First up:
Cerebellum: The Basic Processor
Much like a computer’s front side bus, the cerebellum, often referred to as the lizard or reptilian brain, handles basic input and output functions. Think of it as the system responsible for making quick decisions without conscious thought, such as pulling your hand away from a hot stove. This exemplifies the hardware-like nature of our actions.
Limbic System: The Emotional Hub
Next, data ascends to the processor for logical structuring. However, it first must go through the limbic system of our brain. In our brain, the limbic system plays this role. Here, this emotional control center processes signals from the cerebellum, turning physical sensations into emotions. The pain from touching a hot stove transforms into sadness, anger, or other emotional responses. Memories, too, find their home in various parts of the brain, adding layers to our emotional experiences.
Frontal Lobes: The Logical Processor
The thought process then reaches the frontal lobes, the brain’s logical processor. Here, cognitive processing occurs, and the prefrontal lobes manage movements and other functions. In our scenario, the prefrontal lobes analyze the pain signal, deducing that touching the hot stove hurts and should be avoided. The processed information then relays back to the limbic system, creating a memorable, emotionally charged experience.
A Unique Feature: The Limbic System
One fascinating aspect of our brain is the centrality of the limbic system. Almost all thoughts pass through this emotional control center, which also crucially contributes to memory formation. The unique feature lies in the fact that the limbic system doesn’t judge the emotions it sends; we, as individuals, impose the judgment. It’s a reminder that these signals are just that—signals.
The Enigma of the Brain
While we marvel at the complexity of our brain, acknowledging it as a magical place, there’s still much we don’t fully understand. In recent decades, groundbreaking research into the electrical signals of the brain has revealed astonishing findings.
The Human Brain—A Symphony of Signals
In our journey through this intricate system, we glimpse the harmony of hardware and emotion, a dance of impulses and reactions that shape our human experience. As we continue to unlock the mysteries of the brain, the intersection of Information Technology and mental health reveals itself as a realm of endless possibilities.
Continued Reading
by David | Aug 7, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health
Recently I have had to come to a new level of understanding about myself. For years I have been attracted to the potential of others. I have picked my closest friends through this viewpoint; it worked for many years. However, as we get older, things change, and people change. This view of the world no longer works. Instead, it flipped and it led to more pain than good. I wanted to break down what I call Potential Trauma Lensing for yall and maybe it will help shine a light on some of the darker places and bring understanding.
Trauma Lensing
As a child, I was sexually abused by a babysitter and other family members. My parents didn’t know how to handle such a thing and thus, I was often beaten. I will admit, I wasn’t an easy child to raise. I grew up with extreme ADHD and I was one of four. One of my survival skills during this time was to see the good more than the bad.
I choose to see my mom as a loving and caring person, which was only part of the truth at the time. The truth was, she was scared. She was hurting, angry, and oftentimes felt like she was a failure. She was also physically abusive. The lens I choose to see her through my whole life was that of a caring and loving mother. It wasn’t until after she died did I see the full picture. Let me give you an example.
When we were younger, my mother use to take her thumbnail and grab the soft tissue part of our ears and drive us to the ground. It was very painful. While doing this to my brother one day, he decided to fight back. He had it. He broke free from her grip. While doing so, he hit her. As a child, I jumped to protect my mom. Which kid wouldn’t want to protect their mom? A few minutes later, she did the same thing to me for jumping in.
I choose only to see the good in my mom. I choose to “forget” what she did to us. This helped me survive as a child. I call this Potential Trauma Lensing.
Effects of Potential Trauma Lensing
This lensing forces us to see the “Shiny” inside someone. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it will come to bite us in the long run. Often times I hear people bash the homeless, and I stop them pointing out the life of the homeless. There is a reason they are in the spot they are in and not all of them are bad. This gives many of the homeless I encounter a sense of being seen and human. Seeing the “shiny” in someone has brung about great healing in others. However, only seeing the shiny isn’t true and has led me down some hurtful roads. We can see what’s there, but we can’t make what’s their reality. The next story of a close friend in my life is how this Potential Trauma Lensing affected my life.
A close friend
I grew up with two extremely close friends. For the sake of privacy, I will call them Bob and Rob. I met Bob at school. When I met Bob, we both didn’t have any expectations of each other. We didn’t choose to see only good or bad. We saw each other as each other. Bob and I are still good friends and I often miss talking to him. While Rob on the other hand was another kid in the neighborhood. Growing up, we didn’t really have expectations of each other. I saw him as a fun kid to play with. We played all kinds of imaginary worlds. I was able to be the kid I wasn’t allowed to be around him.
As we grew up, he started going down different paths. Even though I saw warning signs, I choose to still see him as the friend I could be the kid I wasn’t allowed to be. As I went to college, and he started his college life, we drifted apart more and more. I was always there to help. I always choose to see the good in him and he in me. This was the Potential Trauma Lensing at play. After his first marriage failed due to abuse, He changed. I continued looking for the good in people, while he started seeing the darker sides of people.
Married Life
After I married, my wife and I moved 2 hours away. I lived in some rough conditions. He imposed aspects of his failed marriage onto my marriage. He saw my wife as an abuser and often talked bad about her and my living conditions. I, however, choose to see the good in each situation. When I should have been seeing the truth. It was hell with some good things. When we moved back to my hometown, things got better between us. It was nice for a while. We often played games and had game nights. Keeping true to our child-like states. He was there for my kids’ births and I was there for his kids’ birth. It was nice. I choose to keep seeing that side of our relationship.
The downfall
After my parents died, my view of the world was destroyed. No longer could I see my life growing up as fluffy and happy. The clouds I grew up with turned into the truth and it didn’t turn into truth that made sense. Complex PTSD showed its ugly head and it was ugly. The good fun part of me died. At this point in my life, I was just trying to survive. Instead of seeing the truth, I was suffering, He choose to look through the potential lensing like I was with him. However, the realisim was there. He was stuck between the two. I needed him to be the fun friend. I needed him to be my supporting friend. That wasn’t how he was.
The Potential Trauma Lensing
I choose to keep seeing him as a supportive friend. He chooses to still keep seeing me as his childhood friend. We both had the same lensing going on. He went as far as to take me to a mountaintop and threaten to leave me there if I didn’t wake up. He didn’t because of a storm. After being clean for a month of my addiction, We hung out, I was so excited I allowed my addiction to control the interaction. It was my fault. I longed for him to stop me, but he did not.
He moved away for work. I choose to still see him in the light of a good supportive friend instead of seeing that our relationship was split apart. During our time apart I learned to draw boundaries on myself. A while ago, he stated he was coming into town and wanted to grab lunch. I was excited, but I also drew a boundary, mainly on myself asking him to call me out.
The day before the meetup, I messaged him to confirm and He stated he was canceling. He later told me that he “didn’t want me to relapse”. Which was a lie. That’s when the lensing broke and I was able to see things as truth. We were at two different points in our lives. He couldn’t be a supportive friend because He was still stuck in the hurt of a past relationship. I couldn’t be the fun friend because I was trying to rebuild my inner child.
Holding onto Potentials
When you hold onto the “Shiny” aspect of people, we fail to see the consistency when they show us they are not that shiny. They are not the potential that we need from them. As you can see in the story, we both hurt each other over and over again. He took me to a mountain top with full intention of leaving me there. I choose to see the good in him. I held on tight to that view and he did with me.
What are you holding onto in people?
Breaking The lensing
Accepting Reality
The first step in breaking free of Potential Trauma Lensing is accepting reality as it is. When someone repeatedly shows us who they are, we should trust and believe them. We shouldn’t constantly try to see them in another light. It’s up to us to accept this reality. It’s a painful thing. The thing about this though, this new reality, might just be temporary. I may rebuild my inner child and be child-like again. I may become what he needs, and he may become what I need. We may become close friends again. However, at this moment, we are not. I have accepted this reality. I’m tired of hurting myself by rejecting this reality.
Self-Focus and Growth
Instead of using all that energy on someone else. I have chosen to invest in myself. At the core of the issue, we as humans want validation. That validation should come from within. At the end of the day, all we have is ourselves. If we are unable to be with ourselves, then how can we be with others? So, let’s take the energy we are placing towards our expectations, and put it back into ourselves. Let go of the self-inflected hurts and move forward. We need to accept that people change.
Acceptance and Moving Forward
Instead of trying to make people in our own minds into something they are not, we should accept them as they are. Our mental well-being begs for this. Once we embrace this reality, this world as it is, and not how we would have it, there is a sense of peace. This means taking off those trauma glasses. It’s ok to be hurt by others. It’s not ok to keep looking at the world through that lens.
Accepting the world as it is is hard, but worth it in the long run. As always, Please seek professional help if you need it. The Trauma Lenses can be glued to our faces. A well-trained trauma therapist can help take those glasses off.
You got this.
Additional resources
by David | Jul 10, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health
That’s right, you Don’t Need Superpowers. Today I bring you a blog post near and dear to my heart. I grew up reading DC and Marvel comic books. Watching Superhero tv shows and movies. The idea that someone could fly, and run faster than a speeding bullet was amazing. I personally loved how Batman was human, but he was able to beat even the biggest and most powerful villain. Every one of these characters had one thing in common. They were more than human. More than me.
I grew up in an environment that told me I could never measure up. My parents trained me on how to fail standardized testing. I also experienced a lot of physical abuse growing up. At an early age, I was told that Creator God, the most powerful being in all existence, hated me from birth because of what someone else did and that I would suffer in extreme pain forever. I believed this for most of my life. Only more recently did I learn, You Don’t Need Superpowers.
Shame
At the core of my upbringing, I was taught my parent’s shame cycles. I believed that I was less than and I needed to work to be more. I was raised in the upper-lower class. In school, I was taught that hard work made good things happen to you. The harder you worked, the better your life would be. I was also taught in school that I was dumber than others. This created a lot of Shame inside of me. It was painful to look in the mirror.
The Split
What do you do when you look in the mirror and see a monster? Let’s rephrase the question. What do you do when you are walking down the street and you see a crazed gunman shooting at people? I personally would run away and get help. I know my limits. So, when you see yourself in the mirror and see a monster, most people run. How do you run away from yourself tho?
This is where the split comes into play. It’s easier to create an object and live with that than to live with the monster. It would be easier to have the crazed gunman as a statue in your living room instead of having the gunman in your house shooting it up. This is the same way we treat ourselves. This could look different from person to person.
This split creates an alienation inside yourself. Let’s take a look at Frank’s life for a second. Frank grew up in a very traditional home. Showing any form of extreme emotions was frowned upon. As a man, Frank was to be in complete control of his emotions at all times like his father and grandfather. If he received punishment, if he expressed any emotions, the punishments would last longer. Fast forward a few decades. Frank is now a dad of 3 girls. Every time his girls express emotions, Frank immediately feels out of place. He starts to feel two ways, his daughters are broken and he was broken for feeling like this. This part of him is alienated from himself. He projects this part of himself in every relationship He is in.
Greater Than Vs Less Than
These exposures to our ugly statues; our shamed self is painful. There are many things people do to escape this hurt. In the end, this statue of self is either less than or more than human. Here are some examples of less than:
- A slob
- Family Scapegoat
- Alcoholic
Here are some examples of more than:
- Perfectionist
- Family Hero
- Celibate false man of God
As time moves on, these lies become truths in people’s lives. I believed the lies and became both the family scapegoat and the family hero. The less than makes me wormlike while the greater than disables my will, or grandiosity, bigger than life. This is where the need for superpowers comes into play.
Why did I want superpowers?
Looking back at my childhood, I can see why I was drawn to comic books. I was taught I was born less than everyone else. I believed I had to work hard for anyone to even notice me. As the middle boy, this was partially true. If I had superpowers people would notice me. In the comics, people would look up at Superman as he flew over. All eyes were on his greatness, not his weakness. Only the bad guys saw Superman’s weakness to Kryptonite. I wanted that power. The power for people to notice greatness beyond any other human standards. I knew I couldn’t be Superman, but that didn’t stop me from trying.
The will wills what can’t be willed.Healing the shame that binds you - John Bradshaw
I am a product of this will wanting to will what cant be will and an idea of being wormlike or less than. The feeling of being wormlike was always painful and I wanted to escape at all costs. I studied magic, body language, emotional intelligence, and more. If I could see the bad coming, I would be able to handle it. I didn’t have to fear the boot of people stepping on me like a warm.
This concept bled into my work life. I would work extra hard without breaks and go much longer than others. I was called upon to complete work others would never do, couldn’t do, or will not do. A backup battery landed on my leg at my first IT job damaging my back. I didn’t take care of my back, and now I suffer. I had to prove my worth more than taking care of myself.
Why You Don’t Need Superpowers
Our Culture tells us, to work harder and get more rewards. This culture tells us we are bad (ineffective) if we don’t perform at our peak potential at all times. This concept repeats itself from generation to generation. The need to control has been present since the dawn of man. The act of using shame to control others is nothing new. This need to control is, in of itself, a form of shame.
You are Human
The truth is You Are Human. You have limits. Being human means, you have limits. Over the years, Superman went from jumping tall buildings to flying. He struggled with electricity. He also struggled with limits that were realistic. As the character developed, the need to be more and more grew. This was people’s need to feel like they were more than their limits. To make Superman more relatable, DC comics gave him a weakness of kryptonite. They gave him a limit because he reached a point where he was no longer relatable.
Don’t be Superman
See, we are not Superman, and let’s face it, we will never be. That’s a beautiful thing. Think about life being perfect and all-powerful, that would be boring. There is a real need for community. This need is because we all have different limits and skills. It’s beautiful and OK. I have no hands-on skills when it comes to doing any kind of repair work in my house. However, I am good with technology. I can sit here and tell myself, I am weak for not being able to patch the hole in my ceiling by myself, or I can speak with friends and family who can. By asking for help, I show my strength of being human. Its OK.
I recently heard an analogy about if everyone dug a ditch together for water in the same space, all we would have is a big hole and lots of hurt feelings. However, if everyone dug in their respective spaces, we would have a ditch big enough for water to flow.
Culture
Our culture tells us to run on all cylinders. Learn everything that ever was and even more. The thing about these concepts is they are impossible. These things are not human. Like myself, I hurt my back by picking up a heavy backup battery. I was trying to be more than my limits because that is what I believed I should be.
A young man recently told me he was struggling to learn every programming language for a potential programming job. It takes time to learn a language. It’s impossible to learn them all. This is what he was trying to do. He was led to believe, the more programming languages he knew, the more jobs he will get. Of course, this is a lie. The truth is, the more programming languages you learn well, opens more doors. The key is well. It’s impossible to learn all programming languages, so how would you learn them well?
It’s ok not to know everything. That’s simply impossible. It’s ok to take breaks and not push at 100% at all times. That’s how burnout happens. Did you know that the majority of millennials are burned out? Suicide rates have greatly increased in the past 20 years. Mental health issues keep climbing. A large percentage of Americans are on anti-depressants. All of this is because culture teaches us we have to be more than human or we are trash.
Breaking Free
Know yourself
How do we break free? The first step would be to realize you have a limit. Discover what those limits are. If you can’t seem to study for 7 hours at a clip, then don’t. Find a healthy threshold and do that. Respect your limits. There is nothing wrong with them.
Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.Aristotle
Boundaries
The next step is to set boundaries for yourself and others. I grew up believing that if you had boundaries, you didn’t love anyone. This translated to being a bad person. It wasn’t until later did I realize this was a lie to control me. Think of boundaries like doors. Do you want strangers in your home when you are not there? I don’t. The door is a boundary. The lock is you inforcing that boundary. The door is a good way to keep danger at bay. So are boundaries you set in your life.
Ever had a job that worked you 60 hours a week, but only paid for 40? That’s a boundary problem. This behavior is a refusal to respect you. At a previous job, I was expected to take on all the coding, the helpdesk, and projects all at the same time without the access needed to complete these tasks. I often found myself working 60 hours because I didn’t respect my time or my family. My boundaries were weak.
Breaking the statues
Those statues you have all over the place. Aspects you have frozen and beaten down over the years. Those aspects of yourself live inside those statues. You didn’t kill them. They are still there. It’s time to smash those statues and let those parts of you out. See them, address them, know them. Find why you feel like a bad person for getting angry. Discover why you feel less than when you don’t know something you shouldn’t know. Bring those parts back into yourself so you can be whole. This is the hardest part as there are so many of them. Free your gargoyles by shining love and care on them. I suggest a licensed therapist for this process. However, Don’t go gargoyle smashing alone.
Basic Maintenance
In the book, boundaries for your soul, the author speaks about what is healthy and not. She points out that when exploring yourself, if you feel toxic shame, then it’s time to address that part of yourself. This is a lifelong process. The culture we live in encourages us to make statues instead of breaking them. When I catch myself fantasizing about superpowers, I remind myself, You Don’t Need Superpowers. Then I review the day to see where the stressor came from. In the book Indistractable, Nir teaches that every distraction happens because of a trigger. Grabbing your phone could be triggered by boredom and so on and so forth. Find the shame signal and break yet another statue.
You are human, and that is Good.
Additional Readings
Please note, I am not a therapist. I have just lived through a lot in my life and want to share my experiences and knowledge. if you experience any issues while reading this blog, please speak to a licensed therapist.
by David | Jun 19, 2023 | Mental Health
Do you struggle with any kind of addiction? Well, I should say, what is your addiction? Everyone has one. Each addiction is held to society’s standards which they live in. For example, here in America, overworking is praised while in other mature countries, it’s looked down upon as it makes you unproductive. Some addictions are needed parts of life. Like food. Sobriety isn’t starving yourself to death. So, how do you define Sobriety in human needs addiction? We follow an acronym “S.A.F.E.S.”
Secret, Abusive, Feelings, and Empty
S.ecret
Is it a secret? So, are you in the closet eating a doughnut? Are you hiding your financials from your SO because you are spending that money on sketchy massage places? How about other things? How about eating out to hide those emotions? If you can’t tell your SO, accountability partners, etc… It might be a good idea to leave it alone. I know it’s a hard concept because it’s simple.
A.busive
This one is really important. Is it abusive? Is the intent of eating xyz to damage you? To feed some core emotion? Is your long showers really good for you? How about buying that on amazon? Drinking that drink? How is it abusive to yourself? At first it’s hard to see if something is abusive to yourself. So, it’s important to look at your behavior in your addiction to see if it is. Sometimes we will take naturally happening items and say its abusive. For example, when a guy sees a woman and thinks she is attractive and focuses on what he sees as attractive. This is natural. Men are designed to see sexual compatibility. Now, if he takes it to the next level and starts the chase while being married, that is more abusive. At the end of that road is just pain and loneliness.
Another example would be politics. I spoke with a young lady who didn’t know if playing a black character in a game was racist. She spent hours and ended up crying in a corner. This is self-abuse. This was not a safe line of thinking for her. Abuse can come in many forms and each addiction has it’s own structure.
F.eelings
Feelings and abusive oftentimes go hand in hand. For example, when I am depressed, I will go out and eat. This is abusive to my finances and my body. However, it helps the depressive state I am feeling. Instead of addressing the feelings, I am masking my feelings. I have seen people drugs, sex, alcohol, and more. If you find yourself wanting to hide away from what you are feeling, what you are doing might not be safe. It’s always better to address the feelings instead of masking them. A bandaid can’t fix a broken arm.
E.mpty
Masking your feelings will leave you empty. If you start feeling emptiness and or loneliness, it’s time to pull back and ask yourself if what you are doing is part of S.A.F.E.S. or not. That loneliness will eat you alive and leave you in a space where you can’t see yourself anymore. Over time, you can start seeing additional issues crop up to hide the issues that you are using to mask. That emptiness is destructive.
S.hame
I have added Shame to Overeater’s anonymous. Shame can come in healthy and toxic forms. If you are feeling a sense of worthlessness, self-hate and more. It’s time to run. Run as fast as you can. Call your accountability partner. Call upon your higher power. Do something. you are not what your mind is telling you at this point. You have entered the results of the unsafe cycle. What you are doing or going to do will bring you down and more than likely lead to a full relapse.
S.A.F.E.S.
Just imagine a safe and each action you take should go through that safe. If you have more than one issue, like myself, it’s best to have a few of these safes. Don’t let the secret control what you do. Avoid self-abuse. It’s not ok to mask the emotions for too long as it brings emptiness and breath toxic shame into your life. Keep a sticky note with “S.A.F.E.S.” in your car, on the monitor of your computer. The refrigerator at the house. The candy jar, and any other place that you might find yourself doing actions outside of the safes.
Additional Resources
by David | May 8, 2023 | Mental Health, Resources
Values are the fundamental beliefs that guide our behaviors, decisions, and attitudes toward life. They are the principles that define our character, shape our perspective, and determine our priorities. We learn our default values through our community and families. As we grow, we change our values. Sometimes this is to match the communities we are in, sometimes we accept other values. We do this in a subconscious manner. Normally, this process is unintentional. There is a way to create value in our life though. Let’s define how, or Values defined as my dyslexic brain likes to say.
Seven Steps overview
Here is the overview list of each step. These are understandable as they are, but I like to expand on them with the concept of loving yourself or valuing yourself. This method comes from the book “Values Clarification” by Simmon and Kirschenbaum.
- freely chosen
- chosen from a consideration of alternatives
- chosen with clear knowledge of the consequences
- prized and cherished
- publicly proclaimed
- acted on
- acted on repeatedly.
Freely Chosen
Firstly, if you wish for your value to stay throughout your life, you must willfully accept it. I grew up in a Christian home. My beliefs and values were given to me by my parents. At the time, I did not freely choose them. As I grew older though, I choose to accept things like, loving others, helping those in need, and more as part of my core values. However, my belief system stated I was a bad person from birth. This birthed a value of self-worthlessness. A sense of unlovability. This value was reinforced through physical and sexual abuse.
For years, I acted upon this core value. I choose not to follow my dreams and stayed in the same job I had in high school. I didn’t believe I was worth more than scooping poop out of toilets. Many years later I started believing that I was worthy of love. Eventually, I broke down the religious dogma that taught me I was worthless. It was then I freely choose the value of self-love. This was the first step to integrating this self-love and care into me.
Other values I have chosen throughout my life are some of the core values of real Christianity. Treating others as equals and not less than. Being there for people. Raising my kids in love and not hate. Allowing anger to flow in a positive way. All of these I freely chose as a child, and as an adult, I still hold true to them.
Chosen from a Consideration of Alternatives
Growing up, you don’t get a chance to consider the alternatives. As an adult, you get to. When creating a new value willfully, it’s a must. Let’s look at the value of isolationism. My Uncle was a strong Republican. When I was younger, he believed in isolationism. I was able to be part of the changing of this value. This is a value he was thought while growing up. Isolationism value states that only those born in the country should receive help from the government and/or be part of the government processes, like voting or holding governmental positions. The alternative to this is a melting pot and involvement.
He changed his view because of an Indian man challenged his political beliefs through his spiritual beliefs. He considered the man’s spiritual standing and decided to consider the alternative to his value. The man was a critical thinker and helped my uncle reach that level of thinking. Using his critical thinking skills, he considered the idea of the Melting pot. He saw that the melting pot value would bring in new ideas and help the country grow. He was able to let go of his thought value for a value that he choose freely and considered himself.
We must weigh out the alternatives. By not doing so, we rob ourselves of the truth and longevity of our value. Now consider the alternatives to not loving yourself. What are they? Hating yourself, being indifferent to yourself, treating yourself less than, treating everyone greater than one? Each value has its own consequences.
Chosen with clear Knowledge of the Consequences
Knowing the alternatives is the first step. Knowing the consequences of your actions is the next part. If you value the diversity of animal life, global warming is painful to watch as destroys animal diversity. In my uncle’s case, accepting the melting pot meant he had to accept people as people and not what he was raised to believe. He had to decode his brain and way of thinking. Undo years of training. Which he was successful at doing. This was a hard process for him as he lost friends and family members. When you share a value with someone else, and you change, it can cause conflict.
It’s important to weigh out the consequences of the value that you choose. Lets look at self-love. The consequences of choosing to love yourself are somewhat painful but fulfilling. In self love, you must learn to say no, and set boundaries. This will push people away from you. As it is natural for people to take advantage of those who don’t love themselves.
Another consequence of self-love is integrating yourself. No longer can you say, I’m just born that way. Instead, you have to face your hurts and work through them. If you are comfortable with your current life and don’t want to grow, loving yourself is going to be hard as it forces you to grow.
However, loving yourself means you will grow. It means you will become whole. It means you will be happier with who you are. At one point or another, you will look in the mirror and not be disappointed to see yourself.
Value must be Prized and Cherished
Looking back at my Uncle. Before changing his values, he use to say something along the lines of, “all these people coming to our country stealing our jobs.” After changing his values, he said “What a beautiful mosaic of people. This is how we grow together.” To his deathbed, he cherished all races and people. He was excited when he heard of a governor for another country taking office. He would call them “Fresh Views” He went out of his way to help everyone equally.
In choosing to love yourself, You have to cherish moments where you do love yourself. For me, I cherish my front porch. I set a boundary of keeping it livable. Now, I sit on the porch each night and watch the sunset. I play with the kids on the front porch. School bus students have a place to sit and talk. I stand firm on my boundary as it is a way of self-love for me. You have to look at where your value brings you and what it does. Hold those to your heart. Remind yourself of them because it’s easy to forget.
Publicly Proclaimed
Next, you must be public about your value. Going back to my uncle, he did this by how he voted. When he spoke with other members of his family, and how he lived his life. Yes, he lost friends, however, going public kept him accountable. Baptists use baptism for this purpose when someone accepts Jesus. They take a public dunking in water to show all their friends and family what they believe and the values attached to that belief. During the start of Christianity, this would get you killed. Now-a-day, people clap.
When it comes to self-love, setting things like setting boundaries shows people that you are treating yourself better. Being willing to say, “I’m going to take some time for myself” and meaning it, shows it publically. Other things like taking care of your hair, shaving, exercising, going to the doctor, and more all show it. With self-love, the act of acting upon it is your public proclamation.
Act-On Your Values
It’s time to act on your values. If you value human life, you will help human life. A pro-life, states they love a child and want to see a child be born. It’s not a true value if the person doesn’t support adoption. It’s not a value if the person wants to defund programs that help mothers take care of their children. Free day care and other items should fall into pro-life. However, we don’t see it.
Acting upon your values is the meat and potato of the value. It gives the value, value. My uncle valued the melting pot. He Choose to vote and support those with good ideas, no matter what their nationality was. I saw him debate more than once with his former isolationists and even converted a few. He acted upon his value which enforced his value.
When it comes to self love, you have to act upon it. Taking care of your body is the start of self-love. When someone starts to value themselves, you will notice they will dress better. I started brushing my teeth each night. A family member chose to go to more social events and meet new people. There are many ways to act upon self-love. One way to proclaim it each morning. Try using the following statement:
I love myself. I will accept myself unconditionally.
Acting upon it over and over again
I am someone who likes to get projects off the ground and launch them into the sky. I’m an activator. If you want a dead project resurrected from its death, call me. However, I struggle with keeping it going once it was in the sky. This is very important. If you start reinforcing your chosen value, previous values will slip back in. As one man told me, it takes half the time to create a new habit when you are intentional than when you created the habit unintentionally.
To build the value, you must build the habit of that value. The action of acting on that value over and over again. It has to be drilled into your head. Especially if you have had values that are alternatives to your current values. Uncle would watch multiple news outlets instead of the same one. Always looking for fresh ideas and such. His actions reinforced his beliefs and values. Thus, at his funeral, he had a large crowd of people. The speaker said he had an open mind and it showed.
To love yourself, you have to take care of yourself daily. Brush your teeth each day. Take time for yourself each day. It’s ok to take care of yourself.
Final thoughts
Taking our values at face level will at some point fail us. We have to reevaluate our values from time to time. We need to make sure they still hold true to us. If they don’t, it’s time to let them go or reup those values. It’s not easy to make a new value. We are talking about the core of self when rebuilding a value. It takes time. There are no overnight changes in this world. As I have learned, there are three stages, initializing, processing, and defaulting. We have to initialize that change. We have to process it each day, sometimes multiple times a day, and then at some point, it becomes default behavior.
Continue Reading
by David | Apr 4, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health
Welcome to another mental health Monday. I’m going to be talking to myself big time today. Here in South Carolina, springtime is often met with confusion and a sense of making up your mind. The older trees will stay dormant longer than the younger trees. This leaves us viewers with a unique chance to see the trees with leaves and without. We get to see a skeleton of the tree in sorts. As the tree grows, it moves in set patterns. Those patterns are amazing.
You can follow the tree from the base, up the branches, and through the smaller branches. Each break-off shows a different adaptation to the world around it and itself. The tree reaches up for the sunlight. Its figures stretch out and grow leaves to catch as much sunlight as possible. This is important because the tree lives off the sunlight and the soil it is in. Much like us. During the fall time the trees’ leaves change color to catch the remaining sunlight, then it goes dormant during the winter months. Sunlight is the positive influence in the tree’s life that helps it grow.
You as a tree
Now, think about yourself. See yourself as a tree. In what ways are you growing? Are your branches facing downwards away from the sun or are they growing upwards towards the sun? What areas of your life are you dormant? What voices are you listening to? Are you stuck in the darkness of your own mind or are you listening to uplifting voices?
When you take the sunlight away from a tree, the branches start to droop. This is the same way in our lives, when we stop focusing on the positive things and only focus on the must, our branches start drooping. Depression starts to come in, and over time, we can barely move forward. We become trapped thinking. “This is all we can do.” We say this because all we can see is the ground. We can’t see the sun. It’s not until we start looking up do we see that sun. That positive influence in our lives.
However, always looking at the positive isn’t healthy either. A younger tree will quickly sprout leaves, but then the cold snap happens and it loses those leaves. It loses all that energy. Thankfully, the older trees are there helping them along the path. See the old trees have learned something too.
It’s ok to be dormant for a while. That’s the same way in our lives. It’s ok to go with the flow for a while, especially when the sun isn’t around. We all go through that time in our lives, sadness. There is only so much energy in a single day. So instead of using it all at the first sight of light, the older trees wait until the light is consent and then start growing. At the end of the day, it still is looking up and not down. It’s still waiting for that positivity to come back, that light. This is how we should be. A hope of good times. As the tree grows, so do we.
Applying to IT
Sometimes in the IT world all we see is problems. It’s part of our jobs to see and fix problems. Most of us enjoys doing this. I know I love the puzzlingness of the human behavior. So, how do you look up when there is only problems in your face? Well, the best way I can describe this is like having a bee in your car while you are driving down the road. You can swat at the bee and put your focus on the bee, or you can drive your car. Rolling down the window makes the bee stay where it should be because of the wind. Instead of focusing on the problems in front of you that will always be there, look forward. Look past them. Look past the person yelling. They are yelling for a reason. Lets that big brain of ours see the world instead of the problems of the world.
The same can be said for a fence. A fence is in front of you, a boundary, or you can look past the fence and see the ladder waiting on the other side that you can pull through. The illusion of boundaries keeps us standing still. We stare at what we have been trained to stare at instead of whats past it. Keeping your mind on positive things will help grow you.
Final thoughts
It’s ok not to have leaves right now. It’s your winter time. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s ok to be bare right now. On the same note, it’s ok to be full of leaves. Everyone goes through seasons. Embrace that season, and keep your hope up for spring. Be patient and enjoy the world around you. Don’t let that negative voice kill you. This is what I have to remind myself daily.
Useful Links
